Spare the Media ... Save the Spears

Spare the Media...save the Spears! B-TV is on the air

The all Britney, all the time media frenzy is of Brit's own doing. From the very start she has been screaming, Look at me, Look at me, with the New Mickey Mouse Club, her breakout music CD's, the Timberlake dating, multitude of marriages and the hole Britney and K-Fed's "Chaotic" Reality show, it has all been self educed. The media spot light may be an addiction to add to Britney's other [alleged] addictions, alcohol, drugs, bad British ascents and Star Bucks coffee craving crash test dummy.

The problem with the whole, Britney...Britney...Britney, thing is people are addicts, I would say 100% of us have an addiction, it could be candy, booze, drugs, sex, TV, Reading books or even Britney, anything that we do on a regular basis can become an addiction, I am however please to say that I do think that all addictions are bad, such as reading, writing and oh did I say Britney?

I believe the real reason for the Britney media-a-thon is because the majority of people love to see someone fall from their high perch, people in general revel in viewing and hearing of other people's misery, especially they are rich and famous.

My personal take on all the Britney Hull-a-ba-loo is she needs a spanking, I am not referring to a financial, sexual or legal spanking, I am talking about a good ole' Go outside to the tree and cut off a switch bend over and spank her backside type of spanking.

Oh and do it on national television so her embarrassment can be as world wide as her childish antics have been.

By the way did you hear what Britney just did...

*Blog was inspired by and in rebuttal to the Boston Herald's reporter Jay Ambrose and his "We all could use a break from Brit" article in the January 21st 2008 edition (page 19)*

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Portable Safe's or Is that for here or to go?

I know I have come up with unusual topics and comments for my blogs and I know I have been known to stretch things out of proportion, but this time it is not my fault that my imagination has got the best of me and hence decided to run amuck ... again.
This blog was brought on by something I witnessed at a store this past week. It is about the Portable safe, what super genius came up with this one ...Wile E Coyote?
In an age of instant gratification such as fast food,next day Carpets, same day Dry Cleaning, Digital Photos and Pea-Pod Grocery Delivery. We have just been able to add Drive-by robberies to the instant gratification list, with this fantastically "portable" safe.
You see the way it works is you put your cash, charge cards, passport, birth certificate,The Magna-Carta and your autographed nude photos of G.W. Bush in the stylish and oh-so inexpensively priced "Portable" safe. Then unexpectedly ( for the sake of this blog) you have some robbers show up on a night you are at the Elvis Impersonator's Convention. They (the robbers), break in and find the not so well disguised portable safe. Picture if you will as the robbers pick the portable safe, look at each other giggle, and say "would you like fries with that safe"? Being a portable safe, the pair of do-badders are in no rush and under no pressure to crack the safe there, they just simply tuck the safe under their arm and make their way back to their secret robber lair via the unlocked back door, where they can do their safe cracking in comfort with out hearing the pesky complaining of the victim or the police impeding on their version of "Free Enterprise".
Ah Yes the Portable safe for those on the go, The Portable safe ... with new fire resistent paint incase it is in the back of your 1980's Pinto that is rear-ended and blows up, The paint on the portable safe is guaranteed for up to 420 degrees, after that ... Oh-Oh better call Macco
The portable safe will aide the sagging economy as well because with the onslaught and convenience of the portable safe we will have new businesses popping up such as 24 hour drive-up windows where you can bring your portable safe to when you lock your portable safe keys or your portable safe combination in your? ....Yup, you guest it ... portable safe. Feeling lonely and need a peek at those photos of yourself with your duct tape repaired blow-up companion? just jump in the Pinto or family truckster and make your way to the nearest portable safe drive-up window local.
Portable safe sort of gives a new meaning to cash and carry! In an era where people are used to stashing their money and other valuables under their mattresses, I can see a need for a warning label that will come with the portable safe. *Warning* Portable safe is not responsible for undue wear and tare of bedding or mattresses, nor are the makers of portable safe responsible for stiff backs, cricks in the neck or any other discomfort from hiding portable safe under your mattress.
Just think about it the portable safe fits right next to your pocket fisherman and you 2 cans of spray on hair, all in the compact comfort of your duffle or carry-on bag, and remember folks if you can't grab it and run, it's not portable... portable safe for thieves on the go!
I can just see the slogans and add campaigns now...
Portable safe...Their Great!
Portable safe, don't leave home with out em'
Portable safe, what's in your trunk?
Portable safe, it's not your fathers safe.
Portable safe, just like Mom used to steal.
Portable safe, the quicker picker upper.
Join the Portable safe club, buy your first 2 safes for regular club prices and get you 3rd safe for just 1 penny.
As far as I am concerned a portable safe may as well be made out of paper, better yet may I suggest you drive down a crowded street and just toss all your valuables out the window and save your money on the vaunted Portable safe.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Monkey-ing Around

It's funny to me that as we get older someone will say or do something that will trigger some vaulted memory in you're brain pan of when you were younger, this has happily happened to me on many, many occasions, I suspect it is because mentally I am still more a child then I care to admit.
I heard a kid say, "No way, I wanna be the Monkey this time!" as they ran past me, as the erg to stick out my foot and trip them subsided the comment about the monkey immediately jettisoned my memory back to when I was way, way younger (Ok, it was last week...) back when we used to think how cool it would be if we were monkey's or apes.
Well as we get older we usually feel the need to justify or over examine what ever we think, say or do, almost as if the innocence is gone and the skepticism has taken a tight hold on us and our imaginations. With that in mind I have decided to put down what I think would be the top 10 Pro's and Con's of being a monkey or Ape. So here you go!

The Top 10 Pro's for Being a monkey or Ape
1. You would never again have to listen to, "Hey ... Stop Monkey-ing Around

2. Flinging your Poo is a acceptable form of communication.

3. Masturbating in public is not a big deal and no one makes fun of you for your size or technique.

4. NASA lets us ride in space first and for free.

5. Planet of the Apes, Need I say more?

6. We would not be slaves to fashion and you will never have to hear again..."Pull your pants up" not to mention, No wedgies.

7. No shaving or using deodorant.

8. The whole toilet seat thing becomes mute, the world would be your pisser.

9. What could be better than being one of the most popular attractions at the Zoo.

10. Who doesn't like bananas?

Top 10 Con's for being a Monkey or Ape
1. King Kong, you Bastards shoot him just when Fay Ray was warming up to him.

2. In some countries they still eat monkey's

3. Lab experiments are not always a good thing.

4. No Satellite TV or porn.

5. There are no monkey's or Ape's with belly button piercing.

6. We sleep outside in trees, while you humans get the nice craft-matic adjustable beds.

7. The only cars we get to drive are the Clown cars at the circus. have you ever had to hang around with clowns? they are pigs!

8. No shaving and deodorant is not necessarily a good thing...PU monkey's stink.

9. Dr. Zaus from Planet of the Apes was a dictator and a dick head... "Oh I am the Orangutan there for I am the smart one!", What a presumptuous up-start of a primate he was, that friggin' orange furred Nazi Bastard.

10. Always eating bananas gives you the shits! Can we please have a pizza or Chinese for once?

Well there you have it the top 10 Pro's and Con's for being a Monkey or an Ape. Listen what were you expecting some cure for the common cold here? It's a dam Blog people.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Dream A Little Dream

Dream a Little Dream
OR
The Plastic Coated Nightmare

Have you ever had one of those nights where you sleep so sound that if a Undertaker had come by they would try to embalm you? You are dreaming of wonderful things and wonderful places.
Well I had such a night a few nights ago, there was a chill in there air and I was all nice and snug under my favorite blanket, sleeping the sleep of kings, when all of a sudden I woke with a jolt almost as if someone had stabbed me in the butt with a knitting needle, all because of my dream...
I had a dream that Pamela Anderson was my mother and I was bottle fed
"Dam you Fate ....Dam you all to Hell!"



Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Around the world in 216 hours, 3 minutes & 44 seconds or 9 Days with nothing to do!

Have you ever wished you had the time and money to take a trip around the world? Over the years I have heard many people say that very comment.
Just think of all the sights and sounds that you would take in from all the different people and places. Just to be able to say you went around the world and have all the people you know envy you ...
Now that being said here is a question for you, Would you take an all expense paid trip around the world if it was Non-Stop?
I got nothing here ... Just deal with it!

" I just flew in from a trip around the world...and boy are my arms tired"!

*Voyager's flight was the first-ever, non-stop, unrefueled flight around the world. It took place between December 14 and December 23, 1986.
This milestone flight took 9 days, 3 minutes and 44 seconds.
The absolute world distance records set during that flight remained unchallenged today.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

It's a Catalog Christmas

As the holidays approach us I take fingers to keyboard to share my poetic side... A Fitzy original... A poem like no other to share with you my thoughts this holiday season. I call it ...

"A Catalog Christmas"
Hustle and bustle,
Need to be here, got to get there,
Christmas snuck up, it just isn't fair.

From work to the Gym, Schools to the Stores,
Holy shit Christmas has made me a whore.

I can't be everywhere I'm no Claus,
That's it you Bastards, I'm getting catalogs.

For Bob and Jan, Aaron and Pat, I'm just not shopping for you and that's that.

So pick a catalog and fill out the numbers cuz that's what your getting from this Ba-Hum-Bugger.

It's a catalog Christmas
I have no free time, now pick out your gifts, I'm falling behind

Now don't start bitchin' cuz you know what your gettin',
at least it will fit, what can I say I'm no Saint Nick.

It's a catalog Christmas that's it for me, there will be no shopping mall this year for me.

A Catalog Christmas won't be a wreck, so long as I send in the forms and put in a check.

Yes, a catalog Christmas what a great deal saving on time with 2 for 1 deals.

it will all fit cuz you picked it out,
It was nice to see you, now get the Hell out.

All my shopping done, how nice to see,
I just have time to go shopping for me!

This worked out well, I'm in good cheer,
I hope there's good catalogs for us next year.

It's a Catalog Christmas, it says right here,
On page 52 to the right of the bear.

So Merry Christmas to all and Happy Cataloging Next Year

Stupid Questions...???

The World is full of stupid questions and for every stupid question there are a multitude of stupid answers, one sort of goes hand in hand so I was told when I asked a few people this as they responded with.."Now isn't that a Stupid Question?".
I was sitting at my desk today and all of a sudden I was taken over by a single thought...and NO it did not die of loneliness. It was a question I had heard someone actually ask and at first I just put it out of my head, like I knew I had heard it, but I didn't hear it type of thing. The more I thought on it the more my brain pan started to over heat...I am nuts to begin with and although I do know what is odd and what is not I still have the propensity to ask, think and say allot of stupid things, I was not sure whether this was a stupid question or someone just being so down rite curious about someone else's answer.
Would this stupid question being asked get and a mind blowing answer that could be the cure for cancer? or maybe it would help bring about world peace or maybe...just maybe help my truck run better in the cold weather?
I sat and thought about the question, and after a few minutes I thought, well what would happen if I say it out-loud. would they, the Powers that Be try to restrain me with one of those fancy jackets that the sleeves attach in the back or would someone have an answer that would satisfy me and my craving for knowledge? or would they look at me and say ..."That is the Stupidest Question I have heard all day and I just got off the phone with my mother in-law!!"
I sat some more and I said ..."it is now or never", stupid or not I could not take the question rattling around in my head...it was denting my frontal lobe and the wife does not like it when I have a dented frontal lobe, she thinks it makes me look a bit Neanderthal....so I waited for some one to come by, so I could just get it over with ... but as luck would have it people had jobs to do and talking to the fool at the desk is not one of them.
Then it happened there was a couple of people heading right for me ...I had sweat pooling on my forehead and I was biting my lower lip...they got closer and one of them began to say, "Hello how are you..." and before she could get the whole sentence out I blurted it out....
If you had to eat one crayon out of a box of 64, which color would it be?
There I had said it I felt good when I got it out, I am not sure that they were happy to hear it, because they stopped and actually debated each others answer and why the other persons color choice made no sense and why theirs did.
Like I said I was glad to get out of my brain pan, but I bet they were asking every one they knew that same question, because I think that, the so called stupid question was rattling around their brains and now denting their frontal lobes...Hey all I can say is better them then me!
So let me ask you ...what color would you have chosen?
Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired