Why does the Friggin' Chicken continually cross the road?

All my life I have been told of or asked about, "why the chicken cross the road"?
Well, who is this chicken, why is it always crossing the road and why has no one either run his ass over or caught the feathered covered lunch on the go and made him into something delicious for us all to eat and I am not referring to those Chicken McNuggets because we all know they are nothing more then beaks and claws.
Now, back to this permanent pedestrian pullet who seams to be Jaywalking his way across all of our roads. Does this chicken suffer from O.C.D. and must cross the road? or perhaps our fleet footed feathered friend has been listening to aliens telling him to cross the road or maybe it is a real life version of the movie "Speed", if the chicken doesn't keep crossing the road he will explode into some form of yummy K.F.C. variety pack with mashed potatoes and gravy.
I bet no one has a definitive answer of why the chicken crossed the road, besides the ever popular . . . to get to the other side. So I have come up with 10 possible reasons our pre-Fricasseed entrée has flown the coup for a life of street walking.
1. Because the black jelly beans were on the others side.
2. He wanted to see what Hookers do all night.
3. He was practicing playing "Frogger".
4. He was juggling June bugs and lost track of where he was.
5. He took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
6. He was escaping the Colonel.
7. So he can't hear any more why did the chicken cross the road jokes.
8. He was doing the chicken dance.
9. The words Barack Obama means cross the road in chicken.
10. The Penguins made him do it.

To be completely candid with you, I think he crosses the road to be completely indifferent and to push my buttons just like the Penguins. So now I think I will have some chicken soup, fried chicken and do the funky chicken while I contemplate the death of that psycho chicken and his Jaywalking feathered ass ways.
Leg or Breast?

The Musings of a Modern day Neanderthal

Thomas Moore has said, "That a piece of the sky and a chunk of the earth lie lodged in the heart of every human being".
I am curious, Sky & Earth, would they be Good or Bad Cholesterol? Is Sky fattening like cool whip? Are there any trans-fats in chunks of Earth?
Hey don't look at me I was just asking . . . Me Go Kill Mammoth Now ...UG!

This has been another Illiterate Literary moment by Mr. Fitz. management and Blogger take no responsibility for his comments, content or meandering thoughts.
***There were No Mammoth's harmed in the making of this Blog

Nature's Mulligan

Aristotle said "Nature does nothing Uselessly"
Fitzy Says if that is true explain The Duck billed Platypus, Women's back hair, SPAM, the reason Evil Penguins haunt me and Rosie O'Donnell.

This Blog has been brought to you by P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Assholes), The Number 13, The Letters F & U and the color Red (Red is the new Pink).

Heaven or Hell

For those of you that know me, you know the joke associated with me, that when I shuffle ball change off this mortal coil that I will be driving Satan's Tour Bus to hell, and the other comment that I have used for years that no matter what happens to me or where I end up Heaven or Hell that I am sure I can make a better deal that the one I am given. Blasphemy I know, but If you know me you also know I have a problem with Authority even the Big-big Guys.
Well here's the poop, I was in a conversation with a few people at work and made the statements about the tour bus and the work a better deal, and the 3 people I were talking to gave me a sort of sneer, actually only 2 of them did the 3rd has this naturally crest fallen face so she always walks around looking like she is pissed at the world.
So, after the ever so brief pause one of them says, "You know now I am curious about something, what would you do if you really did end up in Hell?" I didn't even waste a millisecond and spurted out I would have the only Gatorade concession stand in Hell (on the corner of Hell-bent Ave and Hitler Street).
Before I lost my audience to the grown of discontent I said on the other hand if I was lucky enough to go to Heaven, instead of to usual Angel wing preening and Pearly gates polishing I would have the only Satan piñata kiosk at the Halo Galleria Mall. It would be great 5 bucks a whack and if you are lucky enough to smash Satan open you get stuff like Wax wings, Candy halos, cinnamon pitchforks and chocolate ten commandments and little Jesus Plushy toys (cause lets face it nothing says I love you like a Jesus Plushy toy).
After a tense silence, a few head shakes, 2 sneers and 1 crest fallen glair I hear "Good Luck with the Gatorade concession stand!" I laughed because everything was said in fun, but lets face facts for me it is not where I end up, but how I can trip up who ever is in charge, so either way I look at it as a win-win for me.
P.S. I would rather go to Heaven By the way, I hear they have a great Baseball Team.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Even Steven

I just read in the newspaper that a married couple from New Orleans tried to trade 2 children in their care for a Cockatoo and $175.00 in cash.
Now not that I condone this mode of thinking, but I would have thought they would have held out for 2 cockatoo's, some seed, and the $175.00, What were they thinking? Dam armatures.
So I was thinking, if this is going to be all the rage to go back to the old system of Trades and Bartering system, then I have prepared a list of things I would like to trade and what I would like in exchange for them.
1. One slightly used up parent for Peace and quiet for 1 month.
2. A pair of female siblings for 1 box of coconut girl scout cookies
3. A well used pair of Spot-bilt sneakers (circa 1981) for a Autographed photo of Dawnzie Greene.
4. A fine assortment of In-Laws (persons to be named later) for a block of seriously sharp cheddar cheese.
5. A Poster of Samantha Fox (a bit worn on 1 side) for World Peace ( sorry about the price, I really like the Poster).

*****Straight Trades Only ~ Even Steven
******No Indian Givers - Take backs or Substitutions
*****No Warranties or Guarantees given or implied
****Tax, Title,Registrations,Directions and Batteries not included
~Trader Beware~All Trades Final~

Idol chatter

American not so Idol
I am subjected to this show only because the wife likes it and I in my infinite wisdom have decided to mature ever so slightly and agree to watch some of the things she likes.
I grin and bare it but not without my usual subtle comments, like are they hearing what we are? and why hasn't there parents or relatives told them they have no talent? There is nothing to idolize in this seasons American Idol, from the judges to the "so called" talent it has to be the worst season ever aired.
Lets start with the Judges, 4 is too many and defeats what the have tried to achieve, let alone it takes forever to hear their drivel.
Meet the Judges: Randy Jackson , same as he is all the time, a waffler. Paula Abdul the flaky inconsistent air head that rambles (un-like me I may add), Simon Cowell, has no bite or witty repartee as he has in the past, almost like the viper has been defanged. Now we get to the so called singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi, she is smug, condescending and so full of her self that it is pouring out her ears. Not to mention we all know the real reason she was brought in, to replace Paula when her contract is (Possibly) not renewed. She uses the word "Chops" almost as much as Randy uses the word "Dog"
Meet the not so talented . . . . all of the contestants so far have been like listening to long fingernails on a chalk board, when it is on I hear dogs in the neighborhood howling, guinea pigs are whooping and bats are flying into walls. Stop the insanity end the show, or at least speak to my wife and convince her wall paper paste drying is better to watch. I can not be the only one to think this.
We are almost at the final 12, so maybe it will get better, but the way they have set up to get the final 12 thus far has been unentertaining, lame and is responsible for brain sucking headaches among countless viewers, and I have not even broached the consistent hocking of their lame singing on Itunes and other MP3 sites, if they suck so bad that they are being voted off, why would I want to pay for their crappy mutilating of perfectly good songs?
America should be laughing at you not buy your tripe and Ryan Seacrest come out of the closet you Dick Clark wanna-beAmerican Idol has become the show to Mock and I shall!
Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Translation of a Coherent thought into a Abstract Definition

Translation of a Coherent thought into a Abstract Definition

Nathaniel Hawthorne once said, "Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important"

Fitzy's Abstract definition, "We are all place holders in the Giant File cabinet known as life, but the good news is we are important place holders"

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired