Heaven or Hell

For those of you that know me, you know the joke associated with me, that when I shuffle ball change off this mortal coil that I will be driving Satan's Tour Bus to hell, and the other comment that I have used for years that no matter what happens to me or where I end up Heaven or Hell that I am sure I can make a better deal that the one I am given. Blasphemy I know, but If you know me you also know I have a problem with Authority even the Big-big Guys.
Well here's the poop, I was in a conversation with a few people at work and made the statements about the tour bus and the work a better deal, and the 3 people I were talking to gave me a sort of sneer, actually only 2 of them did the 3rd has this naturally crest fallen face so she always walks around looking like she is pissed at the world.
So, after the ever so brief pause one of them says, "You know now I am curious about something, what would you do if you really did end up in Hell?" I didn't even waste a millisecond and spurted out I would have the only Gatorade concession stand in Hell (on the corner of Hell-bent Ave and Hitler Street).
Before I lost my audience to the grown of discontent I said on the other hand if I was lucky enough to go to Heaven, instead of to usual Angel wing preening and Pearly gates polishing I would have the only Satan piñata kiosk at the Halo Galleria Mall. It would be great 5 bucks a whack and if you are lucky enough to smash Satan open you get stuff like Wax wings, Candy halos, cinnamon pitchforks and chocolate ten commandments and little Jesus Plushy toys (cause lets face it nothing says I love you like a Jesus Plushy toy).
After a tense silence, a few head shakes, 2 sneers and 1 crest fallen glair I hear "Good Luck with the Gatorade concession stand!" I laughed because everything was said in fun, but lets face facts for me it is not where I end up, but how I can trip up who ever is in charge, so either way I look at it as a win-win for me.
P.S. I would rather go to Heaven By the way, I hear they have a great Baseball Team.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Even Steven

I just read in the newspaper that a married couple from New Orleans tried to trade 2 children in their care for a Cockatoo and $175.00 in cash.
Now not that I condone this mode of thinking, but I would have thought they would have held out for 2 cockatoo's, some seed, and the $175.00, What were they thinking? Dam armatures.
So I was thinking, if this is going to be all the rage to go back to the old system of Trades and Bartering system, then I have prepared a list of things I would like to trade and what I would like in exchange for them.
1. One slightly used up parent for Peace and quiet for 1 month.
2. A pair of female siblings for 1 box of coconut girl scout cookies
3. A well used pair of Spot-bilt sneakers (circa 1981) for a Autographed photo of Dawnzie Greene.
4. A fine assortment of In-Laws (persons to be named later) for a block of seriously sharp cheddar cheese.
5. A Poster of Samantha Fox (a bit worn on 1 side) for World Peace ( sorry about the price, I really like the Poster).

*****Straight Trades Only ~ Even Steven
******No Indian Givers - Take backs or Substitutions
*****No Warranties or Guarantees given or implied
****Tax, Title,Registrations,Directions and Batteries not included
~Trader Beware~All Trades Final~

Idol chatter

American not so Idol
I am subjected to this show only because the wife likes it and I in my infinite wisdom have decided to mature ever so slightly and agree to watch some of the things she likes.
I grin and bare it but not without my usual subtle comments, like are they hearing what we are? and why hasn't there parents or relatives told them they have no talent? There is nothing to idolize in this seasons American Idol, from the judges to the "so called" talent it has to be the worst season ever aired.
Lets start with the Judges, 4 is too many and defeats what the have tried to achieve, let alone it takes forever to hear their drivel.
Meet the Judges: Randy Jackson , same as he is all the time, a waffler. Paula Abdul the flaky inconsistent air head that rambles (un-like me I may add), Simon Cowell, has no bite or witty repartee as he has in the past, almost like the viper has been defanged. Now we get to the so called singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi, she is smug, condescending and so full of her self that it is pouring out her ears. Not to mention we all know the real reason she was brought in, to replace Paula when her contract is (Possibly) not renewed. She uses the word "Chops" almost as much as Randy uses the word "Dog"
Meet the not so talented . . . . all of the contestants so far have been like listening to long fingernails on a chalk board, when it is on I hear dogs in the neighborhood howling, guinea pigs are whooping and bats are flying into walls. Stop the insanity end the show, or at least speak to my wife and convince her wall paper paste drying is better to watch. I can not be the only one to think this.
We are almost at the final 12, so maybe it will get better, but the way they have set up to get the final 12 thus far has been unentertaining, lame and is responsible for brain sucking headaches among countless viewers, and I have not even broached the consistent hocking of their lame singing on Itunes and other MP3 sites, if they suck so bad that they are being voted off, why would I want to pay for their crappy mutilating of perfectly good songs?
America should be laughing at you not buy your tripe and Ryan Seacrest come out of the closet you Dick Clark wanna-beAmerican Idol has become the show to Mock and I shall!
Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Translation of a Coherent thought into a Abstract Definition

Translation of a Coherent thought into a Abstract Definition

Nathaniel Hawthorne once said, "Every individual has a place to fill in the world and is important"

Fitzy's Abstract definition, "We are all place holders in the Giant File cabinet known as life, but the good news is we are important place holders"

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

Out of Touch and Out of time

We interrupt our regularly scheduled silly nonsensical blog for a venting of real annoyance.
Being a product of the early 1960's I sometimes feel out of touch with some of the Fads or technology used by the teenagers today, but even more today as I read an Associated Press article in the newspaper about a DNA test for a 13 year old boy who has said he is the father of his 15 year old girlfriends baby.
This is just insane to me and it makes me wonder if I'm just on the threshold of staying current and slipping into out of touch-ville or have I already become an Analog signal in a Digital world?
Call me old, out of touch, over the hill, yesterdays child,, not relevant or whatever "fossilized" term you would like to come up with, but I find it disturbing when a 13 year old needs a paternity test, not to find his father, but to find out IF he is a father and we just accept this and are not taken a-back about it as if this is the way it is now.
When I was 13 I was playing sports, watching cartoons and just beginning to notice girls, Hell getting to first base was a big deal then. Maybe it's a sign of the times. What were you doing when you were 13?
More at 11 .........................................Good News for Egg lovers!

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

The Art of the Valentines Gift

The Art of the Valentines Gift

Yes it is true, the love bug day has once again reared its ugly head and Cupid is sharpening his love arrows while men everywhere are running scared for gift ideas to top last Valentines Day. Something that will prevent that scowl she will give him or the cold shoulder and sharp slap to the family jewels.
I am here to help (No, not really) over the years as I have learned some Do's and Don'ts (mostly Don'ts) and as I evolve (and I use that term "Evolve" very loosely) I know what is 100% not the right gift, here are the top 10 from last Valentines Don'ts.
1. Odor Eaters - Size 12
2. Flea dip for her pet or a family member to be named later.
3. Push-up Bra made of old duct tape and bungee cords.
4. A new thong made from the tinfoil of the leftovers from the last time you took her out to a restaurant, which was last Valentines Day.
5. Teeth.
6. A newspaper coupon for 10% off of a Facial electrolysis.
7. A bowling ball.
8. Peanut butter crackers from the Dollar Tree store.
9. A bouquet of Lilies wrapped with poison oak all around it.
10. Chocolates with Habanera peppers in the centers.

These have been just a few that I know first hand are not well received valentines day gifts. I say to all of you, no matter what you get your wife, girlfriend, mother, baby's Momma, mistress or stalking victim, do it with Love in your heart, a helmet on your head, a cup for you man parts and a suit of armor, just in case you come up with number 11 for next years Valentines Days gifts Don't.
Happy Valentines Day and Good Luck, you will need it.

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired

More at 11

More at 11
Have you ever noticed that in all the News Reports, the reporter concentrates on the extremely bad news with that If it Bleeds it leads sort of mentality. They drill into us the Deaths, destructions, Illness, poisonings and product recalls. Then they leave you hanging with only half the information with the ever so cleaver and elegant "More at 11" or "More to Come on that story"
Then they add in at the end of the (So Called) horrific situation some form of nonsensical good news or comment, something so that they try and make you feel like they have just rescued you from falling off the ledge of a building.

This Blog has just given your computer a deadly virus . . . . "More at 11"!!!

...Good news for Penguins!

Fitzy: Legion of Decency Retired